All around the mulberry bush....

So we've decided to make a go of it--again. I am excited about it. Max will be here tomorrow night. Yay! On the downside, we were talking about how this could work when it occurred to me that perhaps he was not considering my up-and-coming trip to the sandbox that will most likely find me out of the country for a year or more. As I mentioned it, I could tell that he had not considered that at all. This is not at all a good thing. Here is my problem (and perhaps his): I do not want to undergo attachment again only to find myself alone in a foreign country to go through withdrawals. That is not fair to either party. So what now? Do we carry on as planned and see where we are when it is time for me to leave? I am confused and a bit vulnerable.
I undertook a project last night to decorate my plain wall in my bedroom. I can't stand white walls. I must have color! So, I saw something in a Pottery Barn catalogue that gave me inspiration. There were several black and white photographs with silver frames of different sizes hung on a wall--a photo wall, if you will. So I decided to replicate that with my handy-dandy silver spraypaint and photo scanner. I chose sepia instead of black and white because of my chocolate colored bedspread. I know!! This is exciting!! Anyhow, I think it turned out pretty well. In the center of all the photos is one of a tree. It was taken on one of my 'sentimental journeys' when I lived in South Kansas City.

Chicken enchilada night turned out well. Jac made the best enchiladas EVER! haha. Afterwards we went over to hang out with my friends and play some drinking games (hello four years ago). We had a good time and got home very late. Being in their company again made me quite introspective--Had I really been so immature/insecure back then? If so, then I've come a long way from the girl I was four years ago. I spent a lot of mental energy ( back then) feeling judged, awkward, insecure. Now is it that I don't care or that I've changed (or both)? Also, I think this needs mentioning: Johnny proudly displayed the weevils in his flour. Can we have a round of applause for the bachelors in our audience?

On a side note, I think I am going to go over my texting limit on my phone! Lately it has been very popular to text me--extravagantly!

My friend Bryant

...or ShurleyBear as he is now called.
Bryant and I met in AIT in San Antonio, TX. We were old. It happens. We devised a plan to make dating resumes to be handed out upon meeting someone that you're interested in. These resumes are to include past dating experiences, expectations, and of course physical measurments--haha!

Bryant is now in Iraq! He is now finding himself in the midst of an early-afternoon soap opera. Why? What? Who? Two very different women are competing for Bryant's attentions. (I just wonder if they have sent their resumes to him yet?) I think Bryant's nickname should be "Soldier Cassanova".. yea! Only Bryant would be lamenting being pursued by two beautiful women at the same time. One of the women is married and the other divorced; both have a child and a desire to be with Bryant when he returns from the sandbox. Besides the obvious dilemma of 'who to choose', there are other aspects of concern. Where do these women live? If they are not in close proximity to Ft. Hood, there cannot be a reasonable future for when he returns. And what about history? What foundation is there already and what can be built in the time Bryant is overseas? Can you really, truly get to know someone well from online correspondence? Perhaps I am projecting my own fears and concerns upon Bryant's situation.
It should be very interesting to see how this all pans out.

Down with the Sickness!

My entire family is sick. Vomiting, diarrhea, the nasties... You know what I'm talking about. I am, besides hungover, completely healthy.

Last night was "Taco Thursday" at a country bar in a country town. I met up with some old friends, one especially that is on leave from his station in Alaska. He is an Air Force fag. yay!
Anyhow, after many a pitcher of Miller High Life we played shuffle board, danced to silly music, put taco sauce on the rim of Craig's mug, did a lot of reminiscing and had a good time. Meanwhile on the other end of the world, my guy is getting drunk in an Irish Pub. It happens. I would like to believe that we were partying 'together'...

I am hungry and Jac is making me chicken enchiladas tonight. I can't wait.

Craig called and said that tonight will be "Fajita Friday" but I don't think I'm up for that quite yet. Maybe "Margarita Monday" would be okay.

It was a dark and stormy night, the door shut, the maid screamed, and a pirate ship appeared on the horizon. I believe that's what Snoopy said anyhow.

On a side note:

So I am a lazy runner. I make a goal, procrastinate until the last minute, then miraculously pull it off; afterwards I reclaim my lazy nature and settle into lethargy. But I really don't like this! It gets me nowhere and I end up using more energy to get back into shape each time than I would if I could just remain constant and disciplined.

This morning however was a small victory for me. I have recently made a goal, procrastinated til the last second, and am on my way to "pulling it off". Haha. I only ran 1/2 mile last week; which is gay. Then the day before yesterday I ran 1 mile and walked 1/2 mile. So I figured today I would add 1/4 mile to my routine until I was at 3 miles steadily. Well, I got some motivation to achieve a bit more and so I ran 1 1/4 miles (was excited to have made my small goal) and while I was cooling down I thought "Hey! I should run a bit more!". So I did. I ran a total of 2 miles today. Yay for me. Then I went on a 2 mile walk with the dog.

Anyhow, I want to be motivated to run for my health not for the quick, short-term goals I usually ascribe to.

Yay! So here's the plan: to first add another 1/4 mile to my run while trying to run 2 miles straight with no walking intervals. Yea. That sounds good. My second goal after that is to run the day AFTER my first goal has been completed. That of course is in an effort to maintain my running habit and secure health as my priority. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
If you don't hear me mentioning running in any more blogs, then I need to be beat over the head and forced to run in a wheel--like a rat, or a hampster.

Your first glimpse!

Welcome! You have been invited inside my head! I'm sure this will be a confusing trip for you, so I will try to make it easy. ;) I guess we'll just jump right in!

What to do? What to do? I have fallen in love again with Max and at the exact same time I've developed a heart-ache filled tumor the size of Texas (hmm how appropriate). We've been in love before but I was immature/insecure and he was busy/far away. We've all been there. But its now been 3 years and we both changed--sorta. Now I'm busy and he's still far away. Hmmm... I wonder if we're both far away? Oh well. So this whole love business. Its kinda like coming home to a warm fire, not your whole house, but contained to the fireplace, where it should be. It just feels nice. I've always pined for this trust and chemistry and now that I have it, I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it just as quickly.
You see, I'm a heart surgeon with a tabby cat and he's a rocket scientist with a chocolate Lab. It just can't work!! Okay, so I'm kidding about that. But this distance thing is killing me! We live over 800 miles from one another! That's just retarded. I've petitioned the governor many times to have my state moved next to his and he just won't budge! haha. But seriously, how can I resolve this? His work keeps him there; my schooling/work/support systems keep me here. Blah. It almost makes you want to fold your hand. But you can't because you have a royal flush (or whatever the highest card hand is)!!! What do you do with it?
Cupid has a sick sense of humor.

I am _____________.

Yes. That's correct. I won't tell you what I was going to say. You can guess, and would probably be correct. I am all those things. Probably not much more, I guess.
An interesting turn of events this week: I will not divulge them. I can however speak in strange metaphors. Enjoy!
The Ghost of Christmas Past visited me in the recent past (haha). He brought with him a blueberry muffin and the scent of chai tea. Lovely smells, just lovely. And with that he tied my hands and taped my mouth shut, but allowed my eyes to see what I could have in an alternate time and place. Bewildering combination of grief and comfort. So as I sat dazed, smiling, he took my hand and led me spiraling down the rabbit's hole--where the images are dangerously sublime. The music is old and new at the same time. I am at the precipice, looking in all directions. I've been here before. The Ghost is annoyed with me. I am unable to finish my sentences: I am ______, I feel _______, I want _________. But I can't say I don't know. Somehow the music makes sense, but I don't. I'm sure I can, but I don't know how. Fabulous. Just fabulous. Thanks a lot Ghost, you sure revealed a whole of a lot. I really hope the the Ghosts of Christmas Present and Future will show up shortly and sort this all out.
And you thought Dickinson was cryptic! Ha!