The Mysterious Disappearing Act of Jeff Horner

June 21, 2006 at approximately 9am central standard time.
The phone rings. Hello? Silence. And then its T.J. demanding the whereabouts of his older and slightly wiser (haha) brother, Jeff. Who's Jeff? I ask myself. Quickly returning to reality, I come to my senses and freak out. Where's Jeff? Oh dear God!!! He most definately has been abducted by alien truck drivers and forced to have "normal" sex!! This is terrible news!
T.J., displeased with my lack of maturity, states that Jeff's cell phone has been found on the steps of his former high school with Jeff and his car nowhere to be found. How can this be? Has Jeff been imprisoned for drunken ridiculousness? Possibly... I begin to sort through possible scenarios. T.J. hangs up on me. Loser.
I decided to take the law into my own hands. I gathered my trusty companion and sister, Amara, and engaged on a sweep of the Blue Springs area. After four full minutes of search tactics, I give up and decided to take my sister to the City Hall. There I know I will find answers! No, I didn't but I did get a cool lollipop!! Yay grape!
Upon turning into "downtown" blue springs, I spy a white Mazda 3 with Jeff in it... Could it be? I honk my horn like a lunatic, arms flailing, screaming "Take me man meat!!". Jeff spies me and continues on his route to nowhere. I take a crazy turn through the liquor store parking lot, only to lose the scent. Damn! Where did my bloodhound go?
So Amara and I go to Sonic Drive-In where I recieve a call from Teeg saying Jeff is home safe and hungover. As I ponder what those anal probes felt like, I decide to call a mass conference of all Jeff and I's mutual friends to discuss the outcome. Hmm... I called Jerry. He is happy and relieved. I am bored. So I return home, tired of the day's adventures and ready for a smoothie.
The End. And Jeff, wherever you are, you owe me. Like a rock or something.

A Day in the Life

I know what the public wants. An intimate portrait of a day in the life of ME. Through the generosity of my heart, I will deliver.
I feel content. Oh, and happy too.
"Today I finally overcame trying to fit the world inside a picture frame"
You got it John! That's the ticket! So here goes:I began the day at approximately 9:30a and wandered this glorious apartment lackadaisically, wondering why my vision was blurred. Eureka!! I found my eyeglasses! What a relief! After a healthy serving of buttermilk pancakes and blueberry syrup, I engaged in a rapidly frustrating tug-of-war with my internet service provider. Low connection speed? You've got to be kidding me! Commie bastards! After a shameful retreat, I cleaned the dishes in the sink, on the counter, and on the side table. Yes, those fuckers migrate around the living spaces. I also engaged in a process they call laundering... not money, unfortunately, clothing.
Around that point in time, I heard a knock at the door. That is unusual due to the fact that visitors rarely come uninvited around here. So I answered the knocking in my best impression of Martha Stewart on a cold day.
"Hi" I say to the man at the door. "Do I know you?" The man is a stranger; I know this because I've never seen him before.
"You've parked in my spot" He says, with a bit of a Northern accent. I look down the steps at my bird poop covered Altima. Yep, that's my parking spot alright. I look at the bird poop covered man with great confusion and fascination at his proceding hairline. He attempts explanation: "You see, I live here and that parking spot is assigned to me" I take a look inside my navy blue racing striped apartment and turn back to the strange man.
"I think you've forgotten your medication, my friend" I attempt sarcasm.
"Indeed!" the foreigner agrees, "Perhaps I could get some pancakes?"
The man looked like he already ate all of the local Waffle Houses, yet he claims hunger. So I invite him to a plate of cakes on the condition that he does all my laundering for me. He accepts.
I love cheap labor!